Breaking the cycle to reflect. Should do this more often

So here I am, sitting in my mom's office watching tv, waiting for my laundry to buzz so I can repeat the cycle of putting my clothes in the dryer, new load in the washer, push start, and wait some more.  Not to mention I am also waiting until my brother texts me so I can pick him and his drunk friends up from the bar.  I don't mind doing it because I know he would do it for me, which kind of brings me to the point of this post.  Thanksgiving just happened and I have been pondering what I am thankful for.  So I'll just list some stuff that have come to mind.

I'm thankful for:
My family - Although I don't really get along with them and I complain about coming home and kinda don't like being home, my parents raised me, my brother is always there for me, my aunt has shown me to be strong, and my extended family truly care about me and make me smile.  I'm thankful that they all got me this far, even though they drive me crazy

Cosmo, Kendra, and Piper and all the other "kids" in my life - These guys get me through a lot.  No matter what kind of day I'm having or how stressed I am they somehow know and make me feel so much better.  They don't judge me and I know that they will always love me.  Whether I need a snuggle from Kendra, a nuzzle from Cosmo, or a laugh from Piper, my life would never be the same without them.

My bed - I know I don't give it nearly enough attention, but it is always there for me and willing to snuggle.

John, Matt, and Kyle - I don't see them all the time but whenever we hang out we have a blast.  Seriously I can't stop laughing when I'm around them.  I consider these guys my brothers and I know that they are always going to be in my life, no matter how often we see each other.

My sorority sisters - Even though I'm not the happiest in regards to the politics happening in the chapter, these girls have legitimately changed my life and they continue to do so.  They have accepted me and they love me for who I am.  My college experience wouldn't have been the same without them.  I probably would not have discovered the person I am or have as much confidence.  I can't thank them enough for that.  I know I'm closer with some girls (Molly, Bre, Nichole, Laura, Jess, Pence, just to name a few) but they all have an influence on my life.

Paige, Taylor, and Erin - I probably wouldn't be here today without them.  They have brought me out of my darkest days and taught me how to see the light on my own, and when I lost it again they were there to hold it for me.  We've had our rough patches, and boy were they rough, but we've gotten past all those and it's made us stronger.  We have nothing to hide from each other and I would be lost without them.  These girls are my sisters and I love them to death.

Dana - She is seriously one of the best, if not the best, thing to happen to me.  I never seem to be able to get what I want, but I got her.  She makes me smile when I don't want to, makes me laugh when I want to cry and I feel like I have known her my entire life.  I've never felt the way I feel about her towards anyone else.  All I want to do is be with her and make her smile.  She calms me down when I'm upset or angry and she is always there for me.  She makes me so happy and I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have her.  On Sunday we will be dating for a month and already I want to tell her so many things.  But I think I'll just kiss her instead...for now

So that's all I can think about right now.  My laundry just buzzed, and now I'm off to repeat the cycle.  Although my dad just told me he took care of my laundry.  So now I have to go fix whatever he did.  Goodnight to all.  I still have 2 hours before I pick up the drunkards.

Magnificent Muse, and much much more

So there's this girl.  I can't get her out of my mind, and I can't stop looking at her.  This girl, you see, is one of the best things to happen to me in my life.  I've been through a lot and I haven't really felt like I could tell anyone everything about me.  They either don't stick around long enough to let me trust them, or they never quite understand and they end up leaving.  I came close with my current best friends, but even with them there is something missing.

But this girl I've told you about, I don't know how or why but she gets me.  I feel like I can tell her anything and she won't judge me, freak out, or leave.  I'm not the easiest person to get along with.  I have mood swings, insecurities, and a hard head.  But she puts up with it; for some reason she puts up with it.  And if she didn't I have no idea what I would do.

When I'm with her I feel so much better.  The world just kinda melts away and I forget about my problems.  That paper I have due, my issues with my parents, the stress of my day no longer exists.  All I have in my mind are her eyes, her smile, her intoxicating smell.  She makes me feel better just by being her.  And when we're apart I can't stop thinking about her.  My notes from class have fleeting thoughts about her.  She's made me want to write again.  I'd stopped writing for a while because I had no inspiration, nothing to write about or for.  But I have something again.  She makes me want to even write poetry...I don't write poetry.

My heart skips a beat every time I see her.  She is so beautiful.  My arms fit so perfectly around her it's crazy.  She is amazing and at this point I can't imagine my life without her.  I can see her in my future.  I usually would be scared about that, but I'm not; it's a comforting feeling this time.  I don't want to imagine anything else.  And I don't mind cooking her vegetarian food, cracking my knuckles less because it freaks her out, or wearing her favorite color just to make her smile. It hasn't been long, but it feels like I've known her for a lifetime.  And I couldn't ask for anything else.  I'm the happiest I've been since I was eight years old, and I don't want this feeling to ever go away.

I write this because I've been thinking about this for a while.  This is my attempt to put all I've been thinking in writing, and it isn't even the tip of the iceberg.  I'm not sure I will ever be able to say it all eloquently or completely, but I'll try for now.

Fears and aspirations; one might be the other

Today I was sitting in on one of my practicums and I was listening to some of the students do a creative poem.  I'm at a middle school and I never really thought that they would be as deep as they were.  I was amazed just what these sixth and seventh graders were capable of.  What they are afraid of:  getting shot, losing their family, being arrested.  What they aspire to do:  go to college, see their little siblings grow up, change the economy.  These kids' stories are so powerful.  They have been through a lot and their bravery for sharing this with their classmates and me, a visitor and stranger to them.  At the end of one of the classes, one of the students came up to me and introduced himself saying, "Hi I'm Gary" as he reached out his hand.  He was such a sweet kid.  I had heard a lot of stereotypes for this school and I feel bad that I judged them previously.  These kids are going to go places, and I hope when I'm a teacher I will be able to bring my students to their full potential.

Lead, Lead, Lead, Flower or Weed

This next post comes from a little bit of frustration I've been experiencing.  Recently, the main organization I am involved in had elections for leadership positions.  I worked really hard, prepared, and put my all into getting a position and ended up with nothing.  This isn't the first time this has happened either.  I am beyond frustrated.  I knew it was a risk putting all of my chips on the table, but I never thought I would walk away with empty pockets.  I care so much about this organization and I want so much to help it grow and make it better.  Now I feel powerless to do anything and honestly I'm a little lost right now.

But when I reached out to those who were in charge of appointing positions I found a brick wall.  I just wanted to know one thing:  why was I not fit for this position?  I want to know for personal reasons so I can learn from this and improve myself so this doesn't happen again.  However, the first person I met with seemed to refuse to give me a definite answer.  The second person, who had a direct hand in elections, seems to be avoiding me.  I've been in contact and set up a meeting time 3 times, and all of them have been pushed back.  And now I don't even have a time anymore.  I feel that I have a right to know this information and I the fact that these people aren't giving me this frustrates me to no end.  I've taken leadership classes and seminars and the thing I've learned is that as a leader, you should be looking out for the well-being of your followers.  It's a matter of doing what you say you will do.  Don't make the statement "If you have any questions about this contact me and we'll talk" if you never intend on talking with them.  A leader should try to make each of his or her followers feel like they are an important part of the organization, and after all the work I've done I feel thrown to the side.

I was hoping for a flower to talk to, someone who is continually growing, changing and adding to the plants around it.  Instead I got a weed, someone who slowly poisons the plants that are close.

We need a gardener in my organization, otherwise our whole plot will die.

Caught a halibut, threw it back. It wasn't habit

So I used to have a blog, but it got deleted somehow and I'm a little upset about that.  It was a great outlet for me.  I would just rant, vent, muse, create, and write in that space and no one was required to read it.  It was just for me.  So I guess I'll just start over.  This is a good thing I've decided though.  I never seem to have any time to write anymore and it makes me sad.  Writing is such a huge part of my life and it has helped me get through a lot.  When I didn't have my voice I had my written words.  Even now, I have more to say when I write and I'm not so great with formulating my words with my voice.  At least with writing I can take back what I've said and work on it til it's perfect.  What I first say out loud isn't usually what I mean and it mostly gets me in trouble.  I've missed writing so much.  I haven't been the same without it, like something's missing...so here is my attempt to get it back.